26 May 2004
10:00 AM CDT

Alastair Ziegler,
Press Secretary
The Esposito For America Campaign

On the search for a running mate

As many of you are aware, this week's issue of the Weekly World News reported that Bat Boy has been asked to join the Kerry campaign as running mate. Frankly, we are disappointed; we have always considered Bat Boy a longtime friend and political ally, and our organization has made no secret to him that he was our strongest candidate for running mate on the Esposito For America ticket (Webmaster's note: http://www.espo2008.org/mate.html).

Mr. Esposito has no recourse but to remove him from consideration to join the drive for the White House.  By consorting with a known rival of the Esposito campaign, Bat Boy has shown himself to be a duplicitous traitor, an evil-doer¹ who by his actions this week has shown his true colors as nothing less than an Enemy Of Freedom².

Should Bat Boy reverse his decision and join our campaign, of course, our arms remain open. BB, you have Nick's cell number.

On "On eBay"

We also confirm that our investigators are looking into the situation regarding the June 8th release of the Chumbawamba single "On eBay," which bears a disturbing synchronicity with our known Iraq policy (Webmaster's note: For reference see the May 17th policy speech). Although we have informed our attorneys that we would prefer to not press charges, circumstances dictate that we examine the possible means by which this sensitive information was leaked to the Knights Of Columbus halls where Chumbawamba currently performs.

Don't worry, you of the press corps are not under suspicion. [laughter]

Just one moment...

[At this point, Zeigler stepped off-microphone and conferred with an aide. He then returned to address the assembled reporters]

Excuse me, I have just been informed that attorneys for Gordon Sumner, Stewart Copeland, Andy Summers and Interscope Records have just filed a grievance with us for the use of the word "synchronicity" a moment ago.

END 1:43 P.M. EST

¹ "Evil-doer™," and quite possibly Bat Boy™, are trademarks of Marvel Comics, and are used with permission.

²"Enemy Of Freedom™" is a trademark of the Republican National Committee, and is used without permission.