Press Briefing
Long Island Marriott
Uniondale, NY

12 March 2004
1:37 PM EST

Is Mr. Esposito serious about this campaign?

The short answer: Yes. For too long Mr. Esposito has watched America become more and more cynical in the face of high-stakes high-priced Presidential campaigns. For too long he has watched candidates sling mud rather than deal with the issues in a forthright manner. For too long he has watched the ideals of our Founding Fathers be trampled under the heels of candidates who will do anything -- lie, cheat or steal -- in order to secure power. For too long has he watched this, and now Mr. Esposito has decided it is time to act; it is time to become one of those candidates.

Um... But isn't Mr. Esposito seriously underqualified?

I'm not going to speculate on what may or may not be applicable to a campaign that is still taking place. I would like to point out, though, that families across America -- families of victims, families of immigrants who have made their lives and livelihoods in this country, children of our struggling farmers and ironworkers and working-class couples from Maine to California -- these people are what makes America truly great.

Huh?

The question has been answered.

Um, okay. Will Mr. Esposito debate the major candidates?

If the American people feel that the other candidates are overly bated, then I would say the answer would be yes, he will certainly be amenable to having them debated. But Mr. Esposito will leave it up to the voters; if they wish Mr. Esposito to debate, then debate he will, right after the election in November.

(glancing at another reporter, and shrugging) Ummm.. Okay, next week the various candidates have to register their campaign fundraiser figures with the Federal Election Commission. Much has been made of Bush's $100-million-plus cash-on-hand figure versus Kerry's $2 million. How much money does Mr. Esposito have in his campaign war chest?

The question has been answered.

Uhh -- no, it hasn't.

Yes it has.

Nuh-uh.

Fine, then. It is too early to give precise figures, but Mr. Esposito is supposed to be paid this Friday, so we may have an answer for you after that. As always he intends to tithe his salary to the local orphanage, and the rest will be reported to the FEC.

Really?

No.

Nick's campaign has been relatively low-key, and his lack of news space has many convinced that he is not a viable candidate. Do you have any comment?

I presume that you are talking about the Super Bowl, and I appreciate you bringing this up. Although the Esposito For America campaign had contracted with CBS for a 60-second commercial to be aired during the first quarter, CBS/Viacom refused to air it, citing a "long-standing policy against 'issue ads'," and claiming that the Esposito For America commercial clearly fell into that category because, quote, "Nick Esposito has more issues than anybody we know of," unquote. Our lawyers immediately called an emergency meeting with Viacom, with the result that CBS agreed to air our commercial immediately following the halftime show. The commercial did in fact air, right after the Jackson/Timberlake duet, but was not seen by the public due to the fact that at that particular moment every last viewer was fiddling with his TIVO.

What about the ones without TIVO?

They had to download the Jackson video off the internet on Monday.

What is this "La Guardia incident" that we keep hearing about? Is it a potential Achilles' heel to Nick's campaign?

It is an unfortunate fact in today's world that politics can be a dirty game, but Mr. Esposito is confident that the other candidates will take the "high road" and leave the incident off the table.

But what was it?

Nothing. Never happened. It's all a lie. He doesn't remember.

Remember what??

I'm not going to speculate.

Thank you all.

END 1:43 P.M. EST