Action Through Distraction®

 

The Problem

I was brought up with a strong [insert the name of your state]ers' foundation of common sense, and learned long ago that "you never have a second chance to make a first impression."1  And the locations where our nation makes its first impression are our international embassies and consulates.

Worldwide, these citadels of democracy are often where critical meetings are first held to discuss political, economic and cultural affairs and development cooperation between our great nation and the other, less-than-great nations -- from Great Britain and Spain to such useless, pissant countries as Tuvalu, Tonga, Niue, and France.

According to scrupiously-researched statistics2, a staggering 83% of all international diplomats worldwide -- those from countries other than our own -- are male, unmarried, and aged 50-75.

Even among our own diplomats, females have historically had great difficulty in securing ambassadorships; only 7% of our current worldwide ambassadors are female3 .

The unfortunate consequence of these statistics is that most political-affairs meetings held in embassies on foreign soil are about as co-ed as a Three Stooges convention.  Ambassadors arrive in a belligerent mood, braced for a dry, tedious, distractionless session and counting the hours until they can retire back to their own embassies and the sweet succor of the local indigeneous vodka.

A Thousand Pairs Of Lights

My "Thousand Pairs of Lights" proposal combines the goals of several past and present ventures into an efficient, low-cost means to build consensus around the world.

Under the terms of the proposal, a collection of female candidates for American ambassadorships will be collected through résumés and photographs/portfolios submitted to the TPOL program. Once the deadline has passed, these résumés will then be passed among the dedicated volunteer TPOL team -- generally after hours -- and those applicants deemed "hot" will be awarded positions.

The specific country to which each applicant will report will be based on a complicated scientific formula involving -- but not limited to -- the country's safety record and desirability, the amount of money the applicant has donated to the Esposito For America "527" account, and the total square inches of clothing worn by the applicant in her application photograph(s).

In order to comply with the regulations set forth in the Equal Opportunity regulations, TPOL will also send one male ambassador to Sweden.

The Future Is Ours

With our new ambassadors and diplomats in place, the hope for peace will take root as representatives throughout the world -- from great seats of civilization such as Germany and Mexico, and extending even to pestilence-plagued backwaters of humanity such as Armenia, Nairobi and France -- will do whatever it takes to get on the "good side" of our representatives, whether that means buying us chocolate, asking us out for drinks, or increasing oil production to 30 million barrels per day.

Apply Now!

The Esposito For America campaign is taking advance applications for limited ambassadorships on our road to the White House; diplomatic portfolios may be sent to applications@espo2008.org. Please include your country ambassadorship of choice; results will be posted on our campaign Webquarters site. Really good photos will be distributed throughout the organization, generally after hours.

 

1 Donald Rumsfeld, "The Shock and Awe Doctrine" (Strangelove Press, 2003), pp. 12-18.
2 Almaden Center For Unverifiable Statistics
3 Brioski Center For Even More-Impossible-To-Verify Statistics