Text of the speech given to The Coalition For Homeless Plutocrats
Carlton On The Park
25 March 2004

Thank you.

We all remember the tragic events of November 3rd, 1992. The horrific images of that day are seared into our collective national memory: the smoke rising from RNC headquarters, the grainy videotape aired on al-Jazeera showing an arrogantly grinning Bill Clinton, and -- for too, too many Americans -- the first mention of a name that has become synonymous with terror and destruction:

Hillary.

(PowerPoint slide: dead girl in closet, from "The Ring")

(music cue: "Darth Vader Theme")

President Bush, for his part, has done an adequate job of protecting the U.S.A. from the Stealth WMDs of Saddam.

Adequate.

However, we must not forget that the mastermind of the 11/3 attacks, Hillary, remains uncaptured.

Each day that she is allowed to wander among the mountainous region of northern Newyorkistan, the more terrorists are recruited and the more succeptible to attack we become.

(PowerPoint slide: "Sleeper Cells")

According to trusted sources within our intelligence system, who we will turn on in a second should they testify against us, there are terrorist "sleeper" cells already within our country who are plotting the destruction of our way of life. Our intelligence community has identified the following active cells:

• Federal Departments:
  • The Department Of Education
  • The Department Of The Interior
  • The IRS
  • Whoever's In Charge Of Medicare
  • OSHA
  • The Department Of Poor People
  • The Department Of Gay People
  • The Department Of Minorities
  • The Department Of Immigrants
  • The Department Of Feminists
  • The Department Of Anybody Who Hasn't Served In The Armed Forces, Unless It's Us
  • The Department Of People Who Listen To Rap Music
• Rogue Terrorist Organizations:
  • Any Media Outlet That Is Not Fair And Balanced
  • The Guy Who Does Check-In Security At LaGuardia Airport
  • New York, Massachussetts, California and France
  • Catholics

It is imperitive that we deal with this clear and present danger...

...in a massive, coordinated attack using all the weapons we have at our disposal.

(music cue: "Battle Hymn Of The Republic")

To that end, our committee is prepared to launch an offensive to be called Operation Bar Sinister.

(PowerPoint slide: "Operation Bar Sinister")

While details must remain secret in consideration of national security, I would like to pass along to you a high-level overview of the operation.

(PowerPoint slide: "Phase I: Financial blockade")

In order to cut off funding of these terrorist cells, we will be utilizing a "Shock And Awe" campaign to increase federal spending to heretofore unseen levels for all federal programs not on the terrorist list...

(music cue: "Proud To Be An American")

...cutting off replacement fiscal income via a tax cut -- not just to a selected elite , as our esteemed opponents want, but rather to all Americans on the Forbes 500 list...

(music cue: "We're In The Money")

...and passing legislation requiring prohibitively expensive programs for the cells on the list. In the ensuing race to plug the financial hemmorhage, these terrorists  (PowerPoint slide: Barbra Streisand) will essentially be forced to strangle their own organizations, effecting our goals while leaving us with plausible deniability.

This process has been tested within the Medicare and the Public School cells...

(music cue: "Ride Of The Valkyries")
(PowerPoint slide: dead girl in closet)

...and the success rate has surprised even our own forecasters.

(PowerPoint slide: "Phase II: Reelection")

(music cue: "Hallelujah Chorus")

(portion of speech deleted in consideration of national security)

...like a duck in a trash compactor.

(PowerPoint slide: closet girl)

I will be meeting with each of you in the next week to discuss campaign funding, and pledge to do whatever it takes for your support.

(music cue: "Like A Prayer")

Thank you, and good night.