Junk Science

For too long in the U.S., our leaders have tried to regulate so-called "pollution" created by American citizens and -- to a lesser extent -- huge bloated substances-of-interest-spewing industries. More often than not, these regulations were the result of mindless "junk science," laboratory tests performed in the ivory towers of commie liberal colleges. 

As an example, so-called "researchers" would place small, terrified animals into a controlled space, then place into the cage a dish of some harmless effluence from a clean, spotless, tax-paying American nuclear power plant.  Occasionally -- just as they do in nature -- one or two of these animals would explode into a puff of greasy black smoke; the "researchers" would immediately hang the blame on the foreign substance, rather than considering the context and correctly chalking it down to a simple case of "These Things Happen."

Here in the Esposito For America campaign, we are fed up with molly-coddling what wacko-tree-huggers like to call "the environment." We have spoken to esteemed scientists from all walks of life, from the offshore boardrooms of Halliburton to the offshore boardrooms of General Motors, and have defined a series of initiatives that will balance the concerns of big business with the ... well, it will balance the concerns of big business, at any rate.

The Oceans

On the one hand, environwackos tell us that we are destroying the oceans, and on the other hand they tell us that we don't understand one percent of the marine environment. Well, I put the question to them: how can we possibly destroy something if we don't know how it works?

One of my initiatives will be the Clear Water Initiative, or "Oceans of Freedom." Based on the successful Clear Skies program, I will ask the Oceans to become self-regulating, leaving it up to the marine life within the hydrosphere to decide for itself the best way to manage its pollution.  For the first time, this brings Jeffersonian free-market principles to a staggering 71% of the surface of our planet.

The Air

True to my fundamentalist, down-home beliefs, I feel that if you can't see it, you can't trust it -- and a recent poll by the independent Espoforprez Organization shows that America feels the same (except for those troublesome, commie-sympathizing pocket-protector-wearing environweenies).

With this mandate, I have set as a goal of my presidency to reduce invisible pollutants by 30%, while completely deregulating pollution-by-particulates. In this way, within five years we will be able to enjoy clean, fully-visible air -- without the harmful medical side-effects of business regulations¹.

"Global Warming"

Studies² show that despite the frantic arm-waving spittle-spewing threats from environjerkwads, so-called "Global Warming" would actually have a positive effect on business. It is well-known within the retail sector, for instance, that fish, animals and insects that are most at risk of extinction due to global warming are responsible for 68% of in-store thefts. The loss of this fauna would cause an immediate and long-lasting positive impact on stock prices for our largest retail chains.

Call me biased, but I'll take the lessons learned from our good hard-working upper-class Americans over the rantings of psychotic environwankers any day.

¹  Business regulations are responsible for up to 75% of chilhood asthma (study by the Espoforprez Foundation, a not-for-profit research organization)