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Press Briefing: Wednesday, May 26
A short press briefing was held in the administrative office of Ainsworth Municipal Airport, Ainsworth, NE, prior to Mr. Esposito's trip to Wisconsin to address the graduating class of Concordia University. Click here for the redacted transcript.
 
Esposito Injured in Fall
Ainsworth, NE, May 24 (BBC) In an eerie coincidence a day after
President Bush suffered injuries while mountain
biking on his estate in Texas, Presidential aspirant Nick Esposito
sustained injuries in a fall yesterday in his case, while
surfing in Nebraska.
President Bush's
fall was blamed on the terrain, which in some places on
his estate reaches heights of over two feet. His wounds were dressed
by his personal physician as three Secret Service agents wrestled the bike to the ground. The mountain bike is currently undergoing "stress-factor questioning" at Camp X-Ray in Guantanamo, Cuba.
"As much as I hate to admit it,"
Esposito said to news reporters outside Ainsworth General
Hospital, "I give credit to President Bush for making 'extreme
sports' a vital part of politics, and envy the adrenaline rush he
must get from mountain biking in terrain as vertiginous as
that found on his estate. I wish him well in his
recovery from his fall."
"While mountain biking."
"In freakin' Texas."
Esposito Gives Major Iraq Policy Speech
New York, NY, May 17 (CNN)
Following yesterday's suicide car bombing near a
U.S. checkpoint in central Baghdad on
Monday and the continuing drop in President Bush's approval
rating, Presidential hopeful Nick Esposito today announced that he will be working alongside the
Administration in crafting an exit strategy for
the country's involvement in Iraq. Such endgame planning is crucial, Esposito
said, as it has been the lack of such a strategy that
the political left has seen as a vulnerability with which
to attack the Right, the Far Right, the Loony Right, and
the Esposito For America Campaign.
Acknowledging
the importance
of the June 30th deadline for the handover
of sovereignity in order to free the Right ahead of the Republican
National Convention and Election Day, Esposito will be
working closely with L. Paul Bremer in the implementation of Esposito's
plan, which has won conditional approval by both
President Bush and embattled Defense Secretary Donald
Rumsfeld.*
Under provisions
of the plan, on or about June 20th Iraq will
be placed on eBay in
a seven-day no-reserve auction. With the conclusion of the auction on June 27th, the
winning bidder will have three days in order
to remit payment (cashier's check or international money order only; Paypal
may be used, but will incur a 10% surcharge
on the final selling price). The State Department is expected this week
to announce if it will permit a "Buy It Now"
option in order to further increase the likelihood of meeting the June
30th deadline.
It is believed that
the listing fees will be completely paid for from the expected
profits from the sale, but we've been wrong about that sort of
thing from Iraq before.
*In order to maintain
plausible deniability in the event of unforeseen difficulties,
the approval was not made in writing, or recorder, or in fact
witnessed in person; using as a legal basis the testimony of
Bush and Cheney at last month's 9/11 Commission, approvals for
the plan were given sotto voce
via sock puppets, which were subsequently destroyed.
Esposito Gives Major Iraq Policy Speech
New York, NY, May 17 (CNN)
Following yesterday's suicide car bombing near a
U.S. checkpoint in central Baghdad on
Monday and the continuing drop in President Bush's approval
rating, Presidential hopeful Nick Esposito today announced that he will be working alongside the
Administration in crafting an exit strategy for
the country's involvement in Iraq. Such endgame planning is crucial, Esposito
said, as it has been the lack of such a strategy that
the political left has seen as a vulnerability with which
to attack the Right, the Far Right, the Loony Right, and
the Esposito For America Campaign.
Acknowledging
the importance
of the June 30th deadline for the handover
of sovereignity in order to free the Right ahead of the Republican
National Convention and Election Day, Esposito will be
working closely with L. Paul Bremer in the implementation of Esposito's
plan, which has won conditional approval by both
President Bush and embattled Defense Secretary Donald
Rumsfeld.*
Under provisions
of the plan, on or about June 20th Iraq will
be placed on eBay in
a seven-day no-reserve auction. With the conclusion of the auction on June 27th, the
winning bidder will have three days in order
to remit payment (cashier's check or international money order only; Paypal
may be used, but will incur a 10% surcharge
on the final selling price). The State Department is expected this week
to announce if it will permit a "Buy It Now"
option in order to further increase the likelihood of meeting the June
30th deadline.
It is believed that
the listing fees will be completely paid for from the expected
profits from the sale, but we've been wrong about that sort of
thing from Iraq before.
*In order to maintain
plausible deniability in the event of unforeseen difficulties,
the approval was not made in writing, or recorder, or in fact
witnessed in person; using as a legal basis the testimony of
Bush and Cheney at last month's 9/11 Commission, approvals for
the plan were given sotto voce
via sock puppets, which were subsequently destroyed.
White House Snubs Esposito During "Iraq Day"
Washington, D.C. May 11 (Fox) In a
show of support for both his advisors and the
people of Iraq amidst the ongoing prisoner abuse scandal, the White House this
weekend held an "Iraq Day" celebration on the South Lawn, featuring
a mini-Olympics and a playful "fox hunt" featuring a
team comprised of Cabinet members and President Bush's English
Springer Spaniel Spotty
in pursuit of a gagged and hooded "volunteer fox."
In a pointed
omission, however, Nick Esposito was the sole member of the
so-called Vulcans President Bush's War Cabinet who was not
invited to be part of their "Human Pyramid of Iraqi Freedom"
(see above).
Earlier, several
press outlets reported that Esposito was snubbed due to his
long-standing belief that Saddam piloted only one
of the planes that hit the World Trade Center. Fox
News, however, is reporting that it has been given an exclusive report
from an unnamed "highly-placed source" that Esposito was
unable to attend due to a "conflicting strategery
meeting."
Esposito
had no comment. None,
in any case, that could be heard through the gag
and hood.
New Purported Bush Tape Spawns Fears of New Attacks
Doha, Qatar, May 5 (BBC) On the eve
of the third anniversary of the warnings against an al Queda terrorist plot,
a taped statement purportedly from a highly-placed PNAC leader
is raising concerns of new terror attacks against U.S. interests.
The
Arabic-language news network Al-Jazeera broadcast Wednesday
what
it said was a new tape
of George Bush, responding to recent events in the not-al-Queda-controlled region of
the Middle East..
The voice claiming to be Bush deplored the treatment of Iraqis
in the American-controlled
Abu Ghurayb prison, and praised the work of Jassim Mohammed Saleh,
the former general of
Saddam Hussein's Republican Guard. He then made
a promise to hand Fallujah over to him "to do with as
He will, God be praised."
Intelligence
officials note that previous Bush tapes have usually
been followed by attacks on coalition troops and other Western
interests.
U.S. officials
said the "chatter" level among suspected Democrats is up, but
due in large part to the continuous bombardment of
the Democratic
network by U.S. forces it is not believed to pose a danger, and there is no specific or credible intelligence about a particular target.
News Bulletin: New Demands For Today's Cheney/Bush Session
Washington, D.C., April 29: The White
House this morning demanded additional concessions for today's
Cheney/Bush session with the
National Commission on Terrorist Attacks Upon
the United States (aka the 9/11 Commission).
Recognizing the
likelihood that their testimony may leave them open
to political attack, the Administration had previously
negotiated several concessions from the Commission:
-
President Bush could bring a friend
along;
-
The meeting would be held behind closed
doors, with no public witnesses;
-
There will be no video or audio recording
of the proceedings and no stenographer, although a
note-taker would be permitted;
-
The testimony would not be under oath,
although at his discretion Cheney "may or may not"
pinky-swear that he's telling the truth.
The new demands for
the meeting, set to begin today at 9:30am EDT, are:
-
The note-taker must be an ESL
student;
-
All notes must be written in Pig
Latin;
-
At the end of the session the notes must
be soaked in gin and eaten; and
-
Committee members may not directly
address the President and Vice President. All questions must
be submitted via a Speak-And-Spell.
A spokesman for the
10-member Commission has indicated that they
will accept the new terms, and that
the first question they will ask will likely be "Water Ewe Thin Queers Toup้e Door Watt?"
Esposito Responds To Allegations
Washington, D.C., April 27 (MSNBC)
Demonstrating his strength as a uniter and not a divider, Nick
Esposito is facing allegations this week from both the Bush
and Kerry campaigns regarding a widely-reported 1971 incident
in which Esposito said he "threw his medals" over the Capitol
fence.
The flap began following a 1971 antiwar demonstration, in
which Esposito claims to have
thrown his commendations over the Capitol fence to protest Congress' support
of the growing conflict in Vietnam.
Further
investigation into the antiwar
protest1 showed that during the 1971
demonstration2 nearly
800 veterans "gave back" medals, ribbons, dog tags and
other military items by tossing them over the fence near
the Capitol. In Esposito's case, the items were described
as medals -- two for marching band, three for bowling, and
one which was reportedly a plastic replica of the "Courage" badge
given to the Lion in the 1939 MGM film "The Wizard Of Oz."
Esposito had previously testified that following the
protest he also threw over the fence the medals of two other
veterans who were walking nearby. There are conflicting accounts
as to whether this was voluntary on the part of the
two veterans, who had been passing the Capitol on their way to
dinner.
Medals, Ribbons and a Tissue of
Lies
In a
recently-unearthed 1971 Meet The Press television
interview given by Esposito following the demonstration,
however, it appears that Esposito was speaking not of medals
but of ribbons. It should be noted that during
the Vietnam war, many armed forces personnel used the
descriptives "medals" and "ribbons" interchangeably to
describe commendations of action.
Subsequently, even further investigation into the
antiwar protest3 has exposed that Esposito didn't
actually throw ribbons, per se. Surveillance film
made by the FBI4 suggests that the use of the term
"ribbon" -- again, while strictly true although possibly
deceptive -- may have mischaracterized Esposito's
actions, which now appear to have been a case of TP'ing the
cherry trees on the Capitol lawn after everybody went
home.
Confronted with this latest
allegation5, Esposito struck a defensive position,
stating that "TP'ing the Capitol was a legitimate protest of
an illegitimate war," and noted that he has evidence that
another, unnamed candidate once left a burning paper bag full
of dog poop on the steps of the Supreme Court, knocked on the
door and ran away.
Vice
President Dick Cheney reminded reporters that it was 33 years ago,
and that it is time to move ahead.
1 by people who never had any medals or ribbons.
2 now illegal under the Patriot Act. Under Section 17 of
the Act, which nullifies the Statute Of Limitations in these cases,
participants of the 1971 protest -- when found -- are being sent to Camp
X-Ray at Guantanamo.
3 by people who avoided the draft
but are still pissy because they weren't invited to the
antidraft demonstration.
4 which, under
the directorship of J. Edgar Hoover, was later incorrectly
labeled "Kevin's Birthday Party," misfiled and lost.
5 by reporters who are bitter and empty inside because
they were born too late for Watergate.
Come To Iraq It's Coalitious!
New York, NY, April 20 (Fox) Today,
with the announcement that the Dominican Republic will join
Spain and Honduras in pulling its troops from Iraq, and Poland
and the Ukraine appearing poised to withdraw their troops, Presidential candidate Nick Esposito
launched a worldwide media blitz that will try to convince other
nations to take up the slack.
Appearing at the Times
Square "Toys 'R' Us" store, Esposito showed off
t-shirts, Navy hats, and M16 5.56mm semi-automatic rifles
emblazoned with the campaign's colorful "Come To
Iraq It's Coalitious!" logo (view). In addition to outlets throughout the U.S.,
this merchandise will be sold at shopping malls, festivals and patriotic events around the world except for North
Korea, whom we would just as soon prefer stay right where they are.
Special Promotion!
Undisclosed Location, CO, April 19 (Reuters) The Esposito For
America campaign acknowledges that this is a busy time
for much of the world, what with it trying
to get its taxes mailed or preparing for final exams or reserving
flights or rooms for its summer vacation, and that it is likely
for one of these reasons that no other country has yet stepped
forward to replace Spain and send its troops into
Iraq, where they would be welcomed as liberators exactly as
if they were from the U.S.
Unlike the other
candidates, the Esposito For America
campaign is not just pointing fingers and whining about
this turn of events, we're doing something about it
by arranging a special promotion:
For each foreign
troop willing to replace Evil Spain's withdrawn Evil
Weasel Troops and fly to southern Iraq, the U.S. is offering one
free companion airline ticket, as well as free one-class upgrade
on any car rental of six months or
more**. |
Click here for the coupon, and act soon these
troop openings won't last! (Well, Rummy and Bremer say that they'll exist
for at least a few more years, but still, hurry. Please. Really,
for the love of God, please hurry.)
*Car upgrade applies to a minimum six-month rental of any Jeep-
or Humvee-class rental car while supplies last. The U.S. does not guarantee availability.
Editorial
Boston, MA, April 17 (Reuters)
This weekend, Spain whom the U.S. graciously permitted
into the prestigious "Coalition Of the Willing" last year and Spanish-speaking Alex
Rodriguez both appeared in their home openers after having recently switched teams from Good to Evil.
We hope
that before Spain
(previously Good, now Evil) goes through with its
threat to withdraw from Iraq (previously Evil, now Good) its 1,300
troops (previously Good Troops, now Evil Weasel Troops), they
take note that A-Rod's new team (previously Good Sox, now
Eternally Evil Yankees) lost both games in its
opener.
In response to
Spain's leadership arrogantly obeying the wishes of its
electorate, the Esposito For America campaign is sponsoring a
Spain-directed bill in the U.S. Congress in a drive to
duplicate the effectiveness of H.R. 1069 (which replaced
"French" Fries on the Congressional cafeteria menu with
"Freedom" Fries).
We look forward
to the bill's rapid passage through both houses of Congress
and its promised signature by the President, so that the
Congressional pharmacy can begin to stock Freedom Fly.
Bush Team Previews New Weapon Of War at Tuesday Evening News Conference
Washington, D.C., April 13 (AP) Introducing a new weapon in the War On
Terror, President Bush Tuesday night appeared before the
cameras and vetted reporters wearing the first
prime-time-ready "mesmer-tie," a device being developed by the
Pentagon's psych-ops division for use in the Iraqi conflict
and other theaters of war.
The technology
The mesmer-tie works in
combination with platform services resident in the
government-developed "V-chip." When live or recorded
images of the device are played through standard NTSC and PAL
monitors, the device strobes and pulsates in a manner designed
to "short-circuit" critical-thinking pathways in the brain,
leaving the target vulnerable to stimuli and sub-cognitive
suggestions; these are simultaneously generated in
single- and half-frame density via the V-chip, and
subsequently displayed.
Last night's test
was performed at the half-frame setting to limit the impact to
viewers of the live broadcast; full-frame messaging is
required to be of sufficient persistence to be recorded by
VCRs and DVRs. Messages encoded through the mesmer-tie and
subsequently decoded by the viewer's V-chip and displayed over
the press conference stream reportedly included, "SADDAM =
OSAMA," "WE EXPECTED THIS," "WAR IS PEACE," "NO APOLOGIES,"
and in an apparent nod to a sponsor, "GLORIOUS APPEARING."
Hope and concern
Administration
and Pentagon officials will be closely monitoring spot polls
today to gauge the effectiveness of the device in its first
controlled public test. If successful, the device will likely
see further use in future States Of The Union addresses,
U.N. speeches and state-sponsored telecasts to our troops in
Iraq, as well as those who will be heading to Syria, the Sudan, Iran, Libya,
Pakistan, North Korea, the Balkans, Cuba, Pretoria, and other destinations on PNAC's
triptik.
Concern was felt early in the
device test Tuesday night when a monitor in the East Room
was incorrectly positioned, allowing President Bush an
inadvertant glance at the live feed while responding to the third
question. The monitor was quickly covered, but not
before President Bush stated that "they (some Iraqi citizens)
were happy they're not happy they're occupied. I wouldn't be
happy if I were occupied either."
White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan later assured the press that Mr. Bush is not
occupied.
White House Releases 9/6/01 Memo As Bush Returns From Spring Break, Citing "Buzzkill"
Washington, D.C., April 10 (AP)
Referring to the media's reporting of the deaths
of 59 American GIs and 900 Iraqi civilians in the deadliest
week since the war ended and peace and democracy reigned
as "total buzzkill," President Bush along with candidates John Kerry and Nick Esposito today returned from
a weeklong Spring Break with stories of "these three totally
insane hot chicks" and "dusk-to-dawn pretzel eating." In a special
early-morning briefing with advisor Karl Rove, the President told
the strategist, "Dude, you have totally got to do this with us next
year."
In time for the
high-readership Saturday press cycle, the White House Friday
night had authorized the release of the 9/6/01 PDB
(Presidential daily briefing) that dealt with the possibility
of Osama bin Laden attacking the U.S.
President Bush
describes the memo as "vague," adding "Im satisfied that I
never saw any intelligence that indicated there was going to
be an attack on America." As a
service for those who have not yet read the memo, we are
reprinting the redacted PDB here including the rarely-mentioned second page, which some liberal media
are citing as "perhaps, we don't know, less vague than is being admitted." (Adobe Acrobat
required)
Click
here for the complete September 6, 2001
PDB
Position Paper: The Economy
Undisclosed Location, CO, April 5: The
first part of Mr. Esposito's plans to revive the economy have
been posted here.
Cheney, Esposito, Rice to Accompany Bush to the 9/11 Panel Hearing
Washington, D.C., April 4
(NBC News) The 9/11 Commission and the White House have reached a
political compromise, in which President George W. Bush agreed
to permit the sworn testimony of Condoleezza
Rice on April 8th, in exchange for allowing Rice, Vice President Richard
"Dick" Cheney and Nick "Senor" Esposito to join the President in unprecedented four-way unsworn testimony.
Speaking for the President, Mr. Cheney promises to prove
to the commission the administration's
extraordinary anti-terror measures that were put in place "the moment I let
President Bush first sit down at the Oval Office
desk."
To further underscore
the President's committment, Mr. Cheney promises that
President Bush will detail the White House's pre-9/11 plans
for dealing with Osama bin Laden, all while Vice President
Cheney drinks a glass of water.
One aspect of the
investigation on which the Panel will be sure to question Mr.
Cheney is the June, 2001 meeting between himself, the
President, and Osama bin Laden. At that meeting, held at the
President's Crawford, Texas estate, an altercation took place
leading to the shooting death of an estate gardener. It has
long been the Cheney's recollection that "they both reached
for the gun."
Esposito and Rice are expected to
detail their daily meetings held to discuss any credible evidence
that may have been forwarded from George Tenet's office in
the previous twenty-four hours. It was only when
Esposito felt that everything was "s'okay," and Rice concurred that things
were "s'allright," did they move onto other pressing
matters.
No date has yet been set for the team's appearance, although
tickets for "The McCarthy Hearings" will go on sale Monday through Ticketmaster outlets.
News Bulletin: Rice To Testify In Public, Under Oath
Washington, D.C., March 30: In a
reversal, The White House has agreed to allow national
security adviser Condoleezza Rice testify in public and under
oath before the Sept. 11, 2001 commission.
In a hastily-called press
conference in Aurora, Illinois, Presidential candidate Nick
Esposito says that this is "just another example of George W. Bush flip-flopping on the issues."
"Beliefs As Unchanging As The Seasons"
Aurora, IL, March 30 (AP)
With accusations flying from the Bush camp
accusing Kerry of "flip-flopping" his positions and
otherwise learning from experience, in a major policy speech
yesterday Presidential candidate Esposito assured voters that
unlike his opponents, his beliefs "do not waver over time, and
once made remain as incontrovertible and unchanging as the seasons."
Speaking at the
Northern Illinois Halfway Home For People Who Believe Saddam
Brought Down The Twin Towers, Esposito cited decisions reached
during his life in the public service as examples:
- Saddam was killed during the first surgical strike on Baghdad on March 19, 2003.
- The Vietnam war will prevent the spread of godless Communism.
- World War One was the War To End All Wars.
- The Clash is the only band that matters.
- Beer followed by booze, you lose; booze followed by beer, good cheer.
- If mommy leaves my sight, she ceases to exist and is never, ever coming back.
"The voters are not
stupid, at least in theory, and they recognize that Kerry
a Taxachussetts Liberal, I might extempor-aneously
add has a long-standing habit of changing his
positions on issues whenever new facts arise. I defy my
opponents to find any instance where I've modified my
stance on anything . And I will testify so
under oath. At least, I'd like to.
Really, I would, but I have a doctor's note that won't let me."
Esposito Named To Scourging Committee
Washington, D.C., March 29
With mention made of his exemplary work on the Paul
O'Neill neutralization project, Nick Esposito has been named
to the new Richard A. Clarke Countercheck task force of the
Investigate & Neutralize Republican Informers (INRI)
committee.
Clarke was
brought before President Bush shortly after testifying to the
9/11 Panel, along with National Security Advisor Condaleeza
Rice. According to Fox News, it was here that the
decision was made by the President's advisors and Party
elders that the wishes of the RNC be granted, and that
before the Congressional Passover break Rice should be set
free from any requirement to testify in public and under oath before the Special
Committee on 9/11. Clarke, however, poses too great a threat
to the Republic, and so INRI was tasked with ensuring
Clarke's political death.
The
Administration hopes to put an end to the matter no later than Easter.
Position Paper: Security And National Defense
Carlton On The Park, March 26: Now available to select press outlets is the text of a speech given to the Coalition For Homeless Plutocrats, 25 March 2004
Esposito Back From Idaho
Snowboarding / Hunting Trip, Hits Campaign Trail
Sun Valley, ID (UPI), March 24 Nick Esposito today returned from his
one-week break from the campaign, in which he took part in
a biathlon with Supreme Court Justice Antonin
Scalia.
"Tony's a little
shaky on his aim," Esposito explained,
"so for a few years we've had a
mutually-agreed handicap system in which I'm on my Burton
'board, and Tony wears his little weenie Kneissl
skis."
By
run's end, Esposito was able to bring down four spotted owls,
two peregrines, a gray wolf, two liberals, a bald eagle and a clumsy Secret Service
agent. "We are all stewards of the environment," Esposito explained, "and
thinning the herds is crucial to these species' survival. Tony and
I, we just do our best to
do God's work and thin the hell out of
them."
Scalia, wearing a
Thinsulate robe, denied accusations that the vacation created an
appearance of potential bias. Scalia will be judging an
upcoming court case brought by a Sierra Club member, in which
Esposito is charged with smashing the windows of the member's hybrid fuel-cell automobile
with a borrowed pair of Kneissl skis.
The Town Hall Is Open, And the Search For a Running Mate Is On!
Undisclosed
Location, CO, March 19 (LEECH) We here at the Esposito
For America Campaign have been dimayed at how citizens
are essentially left out of the process for choosing a running
mate. Well, okay, citizens are also pretty much out of the
loop for the party's naming of a presidential candidate, and in 2000 weren't
really involved in the Supreme Court's game-winning coin toss, but
still...
That's not the
way Thomas Jefferson would have done things, and it's not the
way we do things. We believe that the citizens of
this country have a God-given right and
obligation to be a critical part of U.S. governmental decisions. (Note: Remember,
too, that if you disagree with our beliefs you may
be named an "enemy combatant" and your God-given
rights will be
revoked).
We've
selected seven potential
running mates, and there are nine open slots
until we reach a total of sixteen names for you to vote
on. Who fills those empty slots, and who will be the
final choice, will be up to
you.
The search for
a running mate to fill out the ticket is the first critical
discussion being held in our new Town Hall forums. Be sure to register
and you can use a fake e-mail address to register, since we'll
track you down through your neighbors and postman anyway
then go straight to the Running Mate forum and post your
candidate for this crucial office!
Errata
In a story dated March 15, a suggestion was inadvertently
made that the White House was acting "out of line" in forcing
Mr. Esposito to wear what was described as a "goofy
hat."
We have been made aware that
Mondays have always been "Goofy Hat Day" at the White House, a
tradition that began in the early days of the current
administration; it was their response to Clinton's "Wear
Your Underwear Inside-Out
Day."
Esposito For
America regrets the error.
Esposito To Be Grand Marshall Of The Saint Ireton Parade
New York, NY,
March 17 Turned down for the position
of Grand Marshall of New York's St. Patrick's Day
Parade on a technicality (the "o" in his surname was supposed
to be in the front, not the back), Nick Esposito has instead
accepted a co-Marshallship position in the Saint Ireton
Parade, a rival parade which marches up Sixth Avenue and
commemorates the confiscation of Irish land by Henry Ireton and Edmund Ludlow
in the 17th century.
Current plans
are for the Ireton Parade to turn off 6th Avenue at 53rd
Street and head east, thereby cutting off the St. Patrick's
Parade from its supply base on 57th Street. At the same time,
a second contingent of Ireton paraders will circle back to 44th Street,
essentially isolating the enemy and leaving them only the option
of retreating toward the East River; there, they will be trapped, without
access to either the Queensborough (59th Street) Bridge on the north or
the Williamsburgh Bridge on the south. Ireton will
then suppress the insurgents, confiscate the Guiness Ale float
and marching bands, and banish the Royalists to
TriBeCa.
Esposito will cohost the Parade
with actor James Cromwell.
Esposito Meets With Bush On Spain Elections
Washington, D.C. (Fox), March 15 In the wake of yesterday's Spanish elections,
in which the ruling Conservative "Popular" Party was
ousted along with 36 of its seats in Parliament, Nick Esposito
met with President Bush in the Oval Office, where he spoke of
lessons to be learned and -- under pressure from Oval Office
security personnel -- was forced to wear a goofy
hat.
"The loss of our
second-biggest ally in the Iraqi war is a wake-up call," Mr.
Esposito said. Citing the ruling party's decision on Friday
to release an audio tape blaming the coordinated attack
on train stations on al Queda, Mr. Esposito opined that "the 'accepted wisdom'
that the country would stand behind a conservative leader in
times of war is not as reliable as we were led
to believe."
An Aggressive Schedule
Mr. Esposito
suggested to the President that the capture of Osama bin Laden
and the discovery of WMDs in Iraq be moved up from its current
street date of October 10 to possibly sometime in September,
or even late August. "This would allow some time to
manage the stream in the event of an undesired outcome in
public opinion similar to what we've seen in Barcelona. The
negative aspect, of course, would be that we'd be up against
the new TV season -- but as long as the announcement doesn't
pre-empt a key episode of 'Survivor: EPCOT Center,' we think
the reaction would skew positive."
'A Spirited
Debate'
The meeting ended on
an upbeat note as Mr. Esposito, being dragged out of the Oval
Office by security, said he looked forward to "a spirited
debate" on the issues. Security assured him that
there will be quite a spirited debate, and much
sooner than Mr. Esposito expected.
The hat was returned to the Oval Office, where it was being
prepared for next month's visit by Egyptian President Hosni
Mubarak.
Uniondale, NY,
March 12 The text of the today's
Esposito For America campaign press event may be
found here.
Undisclosed Location, CO (AP), March 12 With the elections
a full eight months away, President Bush earlier this week launched the first
negative television ads of his re-election campaign, accusing Democratic rival
John Kerry of being "scary-looking" and having "the eyes of one of those things
in 'Dawn Of The Dead'." Warning that Kerry would 'raise taxes by a jillian
gazillion dollars,' he also repeated disputed British intelligence claims that
Kerry attempted to buy Uranium from a known liberal New York senator.
Kerry's organization responded with its own ads, in
which a Bush lookalike is seen downing bottles of beer, counting down each
empty bottle as he places it on the bar as the countdown segues into a nuclear
bomb blast.
In addition, today this office has received an
e-mail threat from a group evidently linked with the Kerry campaign that
suggests an upcoming TV commercial that will expose Esposito's regrettable
LaGuardia Airport incident, an unfortunate event that we categorically deny any
memory of.
Days of 'Rock Lobster'
While many media outlets are professing
surprise at the early appearance of these ads (negative, or "attack," ads are
generally positioned in the last weeks of a campaign), Presidential candidate
Nick Esposito remembers those halcyon days when he, John "Pinto" Kerry and
George "Bluto" Bush all still green in their youth, but with the full rush of
privileged manhood approaching were members of Yale's Order Of The Skull
& Bones (the world's only secret society with its own website).
S&B's Friday night campaigns were legendary
throughout the college-town area of New Haven, and it was at these campaigns
that Nick remembers both Bush and Kerry perfecting their political election
strategies, often acknowledging that the key to "scoring with the electorate"
was to "go ugly early."
Nick rebuffed the strategy, and although as a result
he spent many late nights 'counting his own votes,' as it were, he understood
even at that young age the importance of saving himself for the right
electorate.
Our Promise To You
The Esposito For America campaign
wishes to go on record that they will not stoop to the level of gutter politics
being displayed by the two major parties, not until our new
commercials come back from processing and we can pick them up at Walgreen's.
Columbus, OH (AP), March 10 Nick Esposito spoke at a
gathering of the Estes Kefauver High parent-teacher association yesterday,
congratulating them on their adoption of a science curriculum that includes
"Intelligent Design" (Ingredients: 10 mg Creationismฎ-brand
educational supplement, 5 mg inert ingredients), and challenged the state
school board to "continue [their] crusade to bring righteousness and
realitivityness to our nation's children."
Esposito asked them to quickly pass faith-based
initiatives into the mathematics curriculum, as well:
- Basic math: In counting games taught in pre-Kand K, use the
concepts of "five" and "six" interchangeably (e.g., I Chronicles 3:22: "The
sons of Shemaiah: Huttush, Igal, Bariah, Neriah, and Shaphat: six"), as well as
"fourteen" and "fifteen" (Joshua 15:33-36).
-
Geometry: Adopt 3.0 as the official value of pi, as spelled out in I
Kings 7:23-26 (II Chronicles 4:2-5).
Esposito also challenged the board to
remove begatting-education, as well as anti-begatting-education, from the
curriculum.
Valley Forge, PA (AP) New credibility
questions are being raised about the White House defense of George W. Bush's
service in the Alabama and Texas National Guards with the release of a
photograph allegedly taken in Valley Forge, PA, during a 1972 antiwar rally
organized by the Vietnam Veterans Against the War. The photograph, taken on
September 7th of that year, shows a young George W. Bush (upper left) trying to
catch the eye of either Jane Fonda (in red) or Jesus.
If authentic, the photograph raises serious questions
about his activities and attendance in the National Guard.
Scott McClellan, White House spokesman, responded to
the allegations by stating the President "stands behind his records," adding
that the recently-released documents "prove beyond any doubt that during this
time [the second half of 1972] the President was at home waiting for the cable
guy."
Esposito Launches Campaign Undisclosed Location, CO, March 5 (UPI) Nick Esposito has officially launched
his presidential campaign, giving Americans "a new, clear weapon" against the
status quo.
"The recent announcement by Ralph Nader that he will
once again seek the Presidency, and the worry by some liberals that he will
leech votes from the Democratic candidate, made my decision clear.
"If a candidate such as Mr. Nader the Yoko Ono of
the 2000 election can steal votes from one side, then what America needs is a
candidate who can can steal votes from the other."
"A Choice Between Two Evils"
Mr. Esposito, speaking from LEECH
headquarters in Jericho, NY, expressed a common complaint among voters.
"In my travels around this great country, many people
have told me that their vote this November will likely be 'a choice between two
evils.'
Mr. Esposito added, "Kerry is a relative unknown who
flip-flops between views; he is on record as having voted in favor of
the Iraq war, but against poking the eyes out of cute bunnies.
"President Bush, on the other hand, is the Antichrist.
"America deserves more than just a choice
between two evils," Esposito concluded. "America deserves a new kind
of evil."
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